When little girls grow up they are told they are princesses. They are told they can be anything they want to be. They are told they are beautiful. They are told once they are a teenage they will find a cute boy who will give her a flower and ask her to the dance and love will abound. Girls are not told sometimes their innocence are stolen from them.
For junior high I was sent to a Christian school. My parents figured it was the safest place to send me. There were kids there that have been kicked out of other schools in my large town. Not only were there Christian students but also the unwanted kids that the public schools refused to take.
One of those outcasts was a black kid who claimed to be in a gang. I was from a country school so had no clue if he really was or not. He would hide in the classroom in the dark before school started. When I would go to put my backpack away he would be sitting in there to scare the girls. He would tell us he would rape us and kill us and if we told anyone he would have his gang kill our families. I have never experienced anything like that before. I would just run out of the room. We would tell our teacher about it and she would go in with us and he would just say he was finishing his homework and she would tell us to stop trying to get people in trouble. For some reason she forced us to put our backpacks away in the morning before class and we had to go back to the gym. Even if we turned on the lights he would threaten us. Even if we went in packs he would threaten us.
One morning I went in there and he said he was going to rape me. I finally had the guts to tell him to shut up. He said "Oh I'll make you shut up." He then chased me out of the room and into the where the sunday services were held. Right in front of the pulpit I tripped and he jumped on top of me. He started masturbating on my back. I screamed as loud as I could until he pulled my hair back and stuffed his shirt sleeve in my mouth. Some of the guys in my class heard me and ran through the door. All I can remember is seeing the pastors son looking at him and yelling "What the fuck are you doing!?" I got up and ran to the wall. I could hear him trying to make excuses and the guys beating the shit out of him. The guys tried to ask me questions but I couldn't form words.
I told the pastors wife what happened because she heard through her son. She never did anything about it because all the kids there were "troubled youth" and she was trying to help all the families no matter how fucked up they were. I never went to the cops or to my parents about it. I felt so betrayed by the pastors wife. If a woman of God wasn't going to protect me then why would anyone else?
Around that time Amy Grant had an album out and the song Ask Me was on it. I would listen to it and I felt like it fit with my life. Not with the way she wrote the song, that God was always there for her, but that I had this happen to me in a church in front of a pulpit and where the fuck was God to protect me and why didn't a woman of God stand up for me. It was then I started my path towards Paganism and Atheism.
For a long time I feared black men, especially any that acted "gangster." I was well into college before I felt comfortable being around black men. Even now, 20 years later, I still keep my guard up around black men. I hate labels but it is something I cannot control.
I have been keeping track of this guy and his 2 brothers through the years. One brother is now a convicted child molester. The other brother was shot by police a little over a year ago. I started crying when I saw that in the paper because I was so happy to see he died. It was then my husband told my mom what happened to me. She was hurt because she told him she put me in there thinking it was a safe place for me. The pastors wife I have found recently on Facebook. On the one year anniversary of his death she said it was a big loss with his death and he was a great person. Yeah great people are shot by the cops. This past December the guy that hurt me was arrested for battery. That was a nice Christmas present seeing his name in the paper.
A lot of rapes and molestation are not reported. There are a lot of reasons for it. For me it was because I was 12 years old, was in a Christian school, the teachers didn't help, and I was too scared to tell my parents.
If you are a guy, think first before you say a rape joke or comment. Many many women have had something done to them and they have kept quiet about it. If you are a parent please raise your kids to know it is ok to say something if anything happens to them and that rape or touching someone without consent is wrong. Girls your body is yours and yours alone. Don't listen to threats because if a guy has to resort to threats then he isn't strong enough to back those threats. Scream and yell until help comes. Even though you feel dirty and sick go straight to the hospital so as much DNA can be collected as possible. Most of all, know you are not alone. You didn't do anything wrong. You are not worthless. Don't let some bastard ruin your life.
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